Sunday, January 27, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
We haven't seen much of Venom during the first three episodes, but she's got a real "old-school" feel to her. Zap, Skye, and the rest of the 1980's female crew would be proud. Bleached blonde hair, broad shoulders and an adam's apple - she's a real throwback in every sense of the word.
I think now's a good time to bring up this article from the NY Daily News, which details the original Gladiator's rampant drug use, sexual misconduct and that "half the team was a lesbian at one point.". Apparently during the late 80's, becoming a lesbian was something you could catch like a common cold. Who knew?
Hellga, the Gladiator's resident Viking, looks like she's straight off a stint at the Norfolk Correctional Center for women, and personally scares the shit out of me. NBC.com says she "hits with the force of Thor's hammer" which I don't doubt for a second. She's probably got Thor's hammer hanging between her legs too! Am I right? Huh guys?
Don't tell her I said that.
Nevertheless, the countdown is on until Hellga changes her name to "The Caveman" or something and starts competing on the male side. I can't wait!
Titan has emerged as the trash talker of the new stable of Gladiators, which really isn't that interesting except when you realize that he's the only one who can string more than three syllables together without clenching his fists, screaming into the camera and smashing his head through whatever object is closest. Besides being a pompous asshole, his other hobbies include: admiring himself, oiling himself up, injecting steroids in his bulbous ass, arm-wrestling Hulk Hogan for dibs on the tanning bed, and being named in the Mitchell report.
According to his bio, Toa is competing as a Gladiator in order to bring pride to his native people, drawing power from his fallen ancestors and the sacrifices they made in order for him to be there. Very inspiring, no? Ehhhh.... not so much. All he's done so far is run around without a shirt on, screaming into the camera while flapping his arms like a hawk, stomping his feet, banging his chest and wearing more mascara than my Aunt Gladys. Way to do your heritage justice. Toa Getting a job at Wal-Mart would have been more culturally significant for native people, at least they would make him wear a shirt there.
Oh Crush. You vixen. Crush has quickly emerged as the most attractive female Gladiator on the show.... what with her traditional beauty, her feminine physique, and of course the fact that she's the only one who sits down when she pees. I'm just kidding. Militia does too. Crush's "other job" is a rising mixed martial artist, where she's equally as popular because: A) everyone loves a cat fight. B) Everyone else besides her is really ugly in that sport too. C) Everyone loves a cat fight. Meee-ow!
There's a long list of reasons to be terrified of Wolf. He's 6 foot 4. He weights 225 pounds. He has the most intimidating facial hair of any Gladiator except for Hellga. He even plays up the whole Wolf thing by howling in the face of anyone who gets within 10 feet of him (Seriously). Look at this guy. He looks like the type who would smash a pool cue over your skull in a bar because he didn't like the way you were "eyeballin" him. But according to his Gladiator profile on NBC, his real name is Don Yates, which automatically makes him 99% less tough. Don Yates? What the fuck? Sounds like a guy who should be selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door, not putting America's middle class in a world of hurt in a reflective lycra one-piece. Can he at least go by Donny Yates? It's only 2 more letters and it's so much more bad ass.