American Gladiators 2008 - A Closer Look, brother!

American Gladiators returned this past weekend after a decade hiatus, and I for one, could not be happier. The concept is much the same as the original show - everyday shmucks getting smacked around by muscle bound men and women with kick ass names like "Adrenaline". In case you missed the first three episodes, here's a quick run down of your new American Gladiators...

Militia

When I first heard of Militia's past in gay pornography, I was shocked. A homo Gladiator? No fucking way. Everyone knows that there is absolutely NOTHING straighter than waxing your entire body from the neck down, spending more time under artificial sun than a dope growing operation, and then wrestling around with another grown man while you are both clad in vibrantly colored spandex. You mean to tell me that some fairy has managed to infiltrate the heterosexual stronghold that is the American Gladiators?!? Get the hell outta here! Someone alert the Hulkster immediately.

Original Gladiators like Malibu and Gemini did not sacrifie their blood, sweat and hundreds of bottles of Nair to have Militia taint it all with his inability to not be gay. Unfortunately, Malibu was unable to comment on the matter, reportedly too busy getting his roots dyed and his ass shaved. Like a real man!

Venom

We haven't seen much of Venom during the first three episodes, but she's got a real "old-school" feel to her. Zap, Skye, and the rest of the 1980's female crew would be proud. Bleached blonde hair, broad shoulders and an adam's apple - she's a real throwback in every sense of the word.

I think now's a good time to bring up this article from the NY Daily News, which details the original Gladiator's rampant drug use, sexual misconduct and that "half the team was a lesbian at one point.". Apparently during the late 80's, becoming a lesbian was something you could catch like a common cold. Who knew?

Hellga

Hellga, the Gladiator's resident Viking, looks like she's straight off a stint at the Norfolk Correctional Center for women, and personally scares the shit out of me. NBC.com says she "hits with the force of Thor's hammer" which I don't doubt for a second. She's probably got Thor's hammer hanging between her legs too! Am I right? Huh guys?

Don't tell her I said that.




Seriously.

Nevertheless, the countdown is on until Hellga changes her name to "The Caveman" or something and starts competing on the male side. I can't wait!

Titan

Titan has emerged as the trash talker of the new stable of Gladiators, which really isn't that interesting except when you realize that he's the only one who can string more than three syllables together without clenching his fists, screaming into the camera and smashing his head through whatever object is closest. Besides being a pompous asshole, his other hobbies include: admiring himself, oiling himself up, injecting steroids in his bulbous ass, arm-wrestling Hulk Hogan for dibs on the tanning bed, and being named in the Mitchell report.

Toa

According to his bio, Toa is competing as a Gladiator in order to bring pride to his native people, drawing power from his fallen ancestors and the sacrifices they made in order for him to be there. Very inspiring, no? Ehhhh.... not so much. All he's done so far is run around without a shirt on, screaming into the camera while flapping his arms like a hawk, stomping his feet, banging his chest and wearing more mascara than my Aunt Gladys. Way to do your heritage justice. Toa Getting a job at Wal-Mart would have been more culturally significant for native people, at least they would make him wear a shirt there.

Siren

Siren is equipped with speed, strength, agility, in addition to the most dangerous weapon of all - giant fake boobs. I don't want to speculate on where they 'discovered' Siren, but let's just say that this place had metal poles coming from the ceiling, sold 8 dollar beers and had a vast collection of Def Leppard albums. If I were Siren, I'd keep my routine for "Pour Some Sugar on Me" fresh in my head, just in case ratings start to slip.

Crush

Oh Crush. You vixen. Crush has quickly emerged as the most attractive female Gladiator on the show.... what with her traditional beauty, her feminine physique, and of course the fact that she's the only one who sits down when she pees. I'm just kidding. Militia does too. Crush's "other job" is a rising mixed martial artist, where she's equally as popular because: A) everyone loves a cat fight. B) Everyone else besides her is really ugly in that sport too. C) Everyone loves a cat fight. Meee-ow!

Wolf

There's a long list of reasons to be terrified of Wolf. He's 6 foot 4. He weights 225 pounds. He has the most intimidating facial hair of any Gladiator except for Hellga. He even plays up the whole Wolf thing by howling in the face of anyone who gets within 10 feet of him (Seriously). Look at this guy. He looks like the type who would smash a pool cue over your skull in a bar because he didn't like the way you were "eyeballin" him. But according to his Gladiator profile on NBC, his real name is Don Yates, which automatically makes him 99% less tough. Don Yates? What the fuck? Sounds like a guy who should be selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door, not putting America's middle class in a world of hurt in a reflective lycra one-piece. Can he at least go by Donny Yates? It's only 2 more letters and it's so much more bad ass.

Mayhem

Whoever said that Mayhem couldn't pull off the sports bra ensemble is eating their words right now, along with a healthy does of pain and punishment at the hands of this monster. So he might look like a bulked up Tracey Chapman, or some weird cross-breed of Whoopi Goldberg and one of the Milli Vanilli brothers. Say that to his face and see what happens! After someone explains to him who those three people are - he's going to kick your ass buddy.

Hulk Hogan

The Hulkster, a legendary member of the unintentional comedy brigade, has tried to re-establish his career recently with his show "Hogan Knows Best" and now his role as host of American Gladiators 2008. For the record, I think "Hogan Knows Shit" would have been a much more appropriate title for his reality series, but I didn't get a vote when VH1 was naming it. With the inevitable cancellation of Gladiators, and his recent divorce, the over/under for the Hulkster sleeping in the back of his car in the arena parking lot has been set at 40 days. Get your bets in now before the line gets any lower.

I have to admit though, it's nice to see the Hulkster back in the limelight, trying to fit "brother" in his sentences as many times as possible. Here's a treat for all you Hulkamaniacs out there who read all the way to the end.